Thursday, 16 January 2014

Gloom


I have borne this burden with a martyr’s crown,
worn its thorns with a fractured smile
and for a while I tarried there,
but now with patience paled and tether torn
I find that I no longer care.

I must differentiate twixt love and hate
and tis true that I could not love you more,
yet anger dominates  almost every passing thought,
lays heavy on this  tired bleeding heart
and now I find I wish you dead.

Selfless I was but now selfish (if but to survive),
yet selfishness perpetuates this growing hate,
a hatred of what my life has become
and the tears I cry are for me – not you,
and all I want is for you to die.

Forgive me my love for these selfish thoughts
and you do know that I could not love you more,
but I can’t ignore these feelings that proliferate,
recur with every passing hour,
or deny that for me to live you must surely die.

I am so sorry my handsome one.

Anna :o[

Victoria’s prompt at dVerse is that of writing a poem rich in verbs and above is my offering.

Tis true that of late, I have become entrenched in self-pity due to a series of events.   My handsome one’s condition is accelerating in pace and the future is a frightening concept – something I will have to deal with – but don’t want to.    Also PC problems have occurred – and are still occurring to a lesser degree   - as in intermittent or no connection.  I am heavily reliant on my PC for ‘companionship’ in my home life – it is a friend that talks back – and when there is no connection I am lost.  What is there to come home to?

I think I have overcome this phase, but nevertheless, even though the anger has subsided, my ‘effort’ would say that it has not completely?

Kind regards from the morbid one!

PS: I have no intention of killing my handsome one!

Image: courtesy of WikimediaCommons
Author: Mikhail Ivanovich Sapozhnikov (1871–1937) Link back to Creator infobox template

23 comments:

Brian Miller said...

i am glad you will not kill him, but oy having to deal with all you have been the feeling is understood and comes through clear...hoping it is behind you and that the anger dissipates...

coalkissedlips said...

Very glad to hear that your "handsome one" is safe from death. Your struggles were felt in your words. Hope things get better for you.

Victoria Ceretto-Slotto said...

Oh so heavy and venting expressed with clarity. My experience tells me that anger is such a normal response in this situation and that it is so healthy to get it out. And I'm in wonder at how well your verb choices serve your purpose.

Victoria said...

I don't use blogger anymore, so my link is below.

Mary said...

I do understand what you are saying. I am glad you can write your honest thoughts. The role of care-taker is a very difficult one. i commend you i writing such a courageous poem.

ramblingsfromamum said...

Phew I am glad you are killing anyone either! Much pain in the write though and your use of the verbs accentuating the loneliness and anger.
Any consolation we are all here to vent too, in the public forum or email…keep that in mind.

ramblingsfromamum said...

that was meant to read NOT killing anyone - it's so hot over here my brain is frying :-(

Grace said...

This must be tough & I hope you find support & solace in your challenges ~ Take care Anna ~

janehewey said...

this is a raw and vulnerable write. Sometimes no action is the most powerful action.

Optimistic Existentialist said...

I most certainly empathize with the feelings you expressed here. I hope writing about it is somewhat cathartic. It usually is for me :)

Nara Malone said...

It sounds like a tough time for you. Hugs. The upside is it's great time for down to the bones writing.

Claudia said...

i loved victoria's reply... and i think too that it is important to face our emotions and deal with those feelings in an honest way... though glad as well that your handsome one is safe..smiles... good use of verbs

Vandana Sharma said...

The modern day gadgets have become and integral part of our life and we can't imagine our life without them.

Ronald Shields said...

raw emotional poem full of pain and suffering...it is truly and deeply felt by this reader...please take care of yourself.

Gabriella said...

It is very brave of you Anna to disclose your thoughts and feelings in this poem. I hope sharing them with us is cathartic and you can find ways to deal with your pain and anguish.

notenoughpoetry.com said...

Anna, use all the words at your disposal and get them all out of your system. That is the beauty and therapy of poetry. Putting it on paper (or on a screen) helps us get it out where we can deal with it, and hopefully get past it.

This too shall pass dear Anna. Hang on.

Glenn Buttkus said...

As we age, we have to face health issues with our selves & our loved ones that interfere with the once joyful rhythms of our youth. I'm dealing with an 18 year battle with an autoimmune disease my self, and poetry is both my boon & bastion. And for 4 months now I have been Care Giver for my younger brother rehabbing from open heart surgery; you rocked the prompt, redirected your Anger, and touched us all; good on you; good luck & bless you.

Enigmatic Soul said...

Loved the structure and the rhythm. It had a sense of morbid playfulness. And if not the PC, good books can also be a great companion when one feels lonely. :)

Björn said...

I had a discussion once where I said that anger is an important emotion which has to be vented... and got a whole group of people against me (ironically quite angry) saying it has to be kept under control... but refrain from killing anyone... a very honest poem ...

Lisa Easterling said...

I love your heart laid bare, sweet Anna. Raw and real and you let us in to see who you are. Thank you. I'm wishing you hugs and chocolate.

Martin said...

I wish you all the strength you need.

howanxious said...

Fragile writing. Your expressions are felt through your words.
I sincerely hope that things get better for you. Take care.
-HA

grapeling said...

whew! glad you won't be offing him either. good luck, Anna ~