Monday, 17 October 2011

Daddy's Special Angel

I want to scream out
I cannot tell,
I shall not tell,
I shall keep
our little secret
locked away. 

No need
to search the room
for hidden monsters
one little frightened finger
clicks off the light,
I do not need
to find my monster
for he finds me
like some tiny frightened puppy
underneath the trembling blankets.

Oh how I long for cold,
this tiny body shivering
your unwelcome warmth.
(I do not want your special hugs
For daddy’s special angel).
Please, please, please 
leave me alone.

I shall keep our secret,
I shall speak no evil
for there are those
who refuse to hear it,
refuse to see it. 

I shall keep our little secret.
I shall speak no evil.
(Please, please, please
leave me alone).

Anna :o]

This poem is not about me - as far as I know my father never abused me - he was a good dad who took me fishing for eels, got me interested in literature and all that was a natural part of childhood, as I matured he was not afraid to show me his frailities and let me know the real him.  I loved him as much and as completely as I loved my mother.

It is probably true that if he and my mother had not brought out my strength, some self serving counsellor (with their ego firmly stuck up their own backside) could have 'recovered' memories of my fathers abuse and that of next doors cat.

This is not to say that I do not believe that sexual abuse in families  does not exist - for it surely does.  As well as listening to stories from young(er) individuals - both male but predominately female - I have listened to the pleading cries of a ninety-year old (during interventions) - pleading with her father to 'leave her alone.'

With thanks to the good folk at dVerse poets for the inspiration.


Brian Miller said...

i am a counselor though certainly not self serving...smiles...i think it happens far more than people care to admit...i think there are people that have also used it to threaten people and not be turns my stomach when it does happen....

Sharon Rose said...

Well written and a stomach turner...

Reflections said...

You have captured well, the terrors these ones suffer. Great write.

Sheila Moore said...

a taboo topic for sure. I am glad for you this is not a biographical piece.

Claudia said...

it breaks my heart and it still happens way too often and most of the time it comes never to daylight and your footnote with the ninety year old woman speaks volumes of how badly it hurts

Isabel Doyle said...

Dear Anna, that is a powerful and harrowing poem, which I think, captures the misery well.

And, as a fellow Tree-Hugger,
Thanks for commenting on my Sunday Tree last week. I’ve posted a new ‘Tree’ and would like to invite you to write something in response to it – or to one of the earlier tress. The post can be found here:
Best wishes, Isabel

Martin said...

A very moving poem.

As a father of one beautiful girl, and grandfather to three darling granddaughters, I cannot understand how anyone could act this way.

Hilary said...

Hi Anna .. extremely heart-rending .. even more so your note about the 90 year old remembering her past - extremely sad and moving to read .. and know that can happen as life progresses. Thanks for writing this .. Hilary

Frances Garrood said...

So poignant, Anna. I have worked with hundreds of abused adults over my time as a counsellor, and the number of awful secrets that came out was heart-rending. I don't often weep over clients/patients, but I did over one of these. The sheer helplessness is one of the worst aspects. As one of my clients said, "home was where you were meant to be safe". Sadly not true, for so many.

PS Rather than my ego visiting unsavoury places, I found that each story made me feel more humble and inadequate.

Lolamouse said...

Truly poignant. Unfortunately because of some poorly trained and/or self-serving "professionals," and some highly publicized false claims, now there is even more doubt when someone claims he/she has been abused. It still happens much more than most people would like to believe. You've expressed it well.

Anonymous said...

speaking as a child surviviour of abuse, this is an amazing write, you capture the feelings so well...thank you for this

rallentanda said...

This is a good poem in many ways. Raising awareness of the shortcomings of "professionals"
being one of them.This is such a minefield of a topic.No one really knows the statistics of child abuse in families but it does seem high and is a serious problem.There is not much tip toeing through the tulips in life seems that the world is fraught with land mines..there is something terribly wrong with the way we all are living!

Muhammad Israr said...

very good poem...
its very unfortunate that a father should abuse any child let alone his own child... its just disgusting i mean father should protect his children from others abuses but if he himself start abusing then its really pathetic and it causes serious psychological damage to a child from which he/she never recovers even if he/she attains the age of 100years... most of the fathers are like very nice and they keep their children especially their daughters as their angels and princesses and protect them...but the few ones are monsters and i really feel for those children...

The Noiseless Cuckooclock said...

bless you.
thanks for the powweerful highlight.

I grew up with a fahter who never beats his children.

HyperCRYPTICal said...

Thank you for you kind comments folks.

Brian and Frances – most counsellors do great work as I am certain both of your good selves do and did. Unfortunately there are some charlatans out there (as Lolamouse points out) that do irreparable harm – I have written about this previously – please see here and these people worry the hell out of me.

Parental and indeed sibling incest/sexual abuse are the lowest of the low – a complete and utter betrayal of trust by those who should love and care for us and keep us safe. Regrettably it was for a time it was ?fashionable for those who exist in and on the peripheries of psychiatry to ?assume that many who presented with depression and other psychiatric complaints had obliterated memories of sexual abuse.

I have known a young woman who became seriously screwed up after ‘therapy’ showed she had been abused by her brothers. She was certain that she hadn’t yet her therapist was insistent that she had and recovery could not be complete unless she accepted this. It is probable that she might be a revolving door patient at psychiatric units as (at the time I knew her) her so called treatment was in fact a form of abuse and whether she recovered from it I do not know.

Lolamouse – as you correctly point out – the therapy of charlatans has indeed reeked damage for it is less likely that those who have been abused are believed.

David – thank you so much for your comment and I am glad that you have survived your traumatic past my friend.

Thanks again to all.

Anna :o]

The Old Raven said...

Anna, I am glad for the explanation. Your poem was superb. Interesting what you mention of counselors ... I needed a complete reworking at 27 ... had no money for counselors (thank God). Worked very hard for 5 years to overcome the perfect image for "73" poster child for battered women. It paid off. I am very tenacious.

Dulce said...

I am glad this never happened to you .... but it speaks so true of the so many that have gone through such hell... poignant indeed

The Silver Fox said...

So sad that these instances involve so many kinds of abuse... sexual, physical, emotional, and the disgusting abuse of trust as well. Amazing what some people are capable of just to avail themselves of a few moments of gratification.

Thanks for visiting my site, btw.

Christine said...

images never leave, my 90 year old aunt relived her brother being tortured in Russia in the 20's, abuse is scaring, it is so sad

HyperCRYPTICal said...

Thank you so much for your kind comments folks.

Old Raven - I am glad that you were able to rework yourself and are now very tenacious!

Dulce - Thank you.

Silver Fox - Sadly it is amazing what some people are capable of.

Christine - It is true that some images never leave, abuse is indeed scaring.

Anna :o]

Tonyafoih said...

A very moving poem. As a father of one beautiful girl, and grandfather to three darling granddaughters, I cannot understand how anyone could act this way.